Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Have you ever been eating at a restaurant when all of a sudden the waitress takes a bite out of your arm and then you start bleeding profusely and shortly thereafter you turn into a zombie with an insatiable hunger for brains? Yeah, me neither, but I think that’s usually how it happens when you become a zombie. Why do I think this? Allow me to explain. First and foremost, I’ve clocked countless hours playing the legendary Super Nintendo (SNES) game Zombies Ate My Neighbors. This has given me extraordinary insight into the daily routine of zombies. Their comings and goings, their eating schedules, their hygienic routines or lack thereof. You could say that I’m a bonafide zombie expert. Another source of knowledge for me has been the classic zombie movies of the last few decades, including such titles as “Zombie” by Lucio Fulci, “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead” by George Romero, and “Little Zombie Goes Potty” by Beverly Cleary. I have read these books so many times that there is no one on Earth who is more schooled in zombie behavior than yours truly.

You’re probably wondering why I’m bringing all of this up. Well, basically it’s to scare you. But it serves the dual purpose of awakening your senses to the inevitable zombie apocalypse. If you prepare for it, you won’t be taken by surprise and you have a significantly higher chance of extending your life. Of course, most of your friends will be trying to eat your brains, but hey, at least you’ll be able to blow them to smithereens. Let me make this clear: protecting yourself against zombies isn’t a walk in the park. It’s not like you’re working with addiction acupuncturists in Los Angeles, for crying out loud! This is serious stuff, my dearies! And if you’re wondering, yes, this is part of the reason I have trouble sleeping at night, but so what! Playing zombie-themed video games and mentally preparing for the impeding distopia is fun! Ok, I’ll tell you more about it next time. I have to go get some sleep because I’m actually really tired right now. Maybe I should get some acupuncture to help me sleep.